People laugh when someone says the death of a relationship can sometimes feel like real death. Believe it or not, it is something we need to deal with in order to live a free and fruitful life. I have been reading about the process of grieving. The death of a loved one or even a relationship can be mind boggling to the best of us. I do not have solutions to this one but i know now what the process is like. I would like to share what i understood pertaining relationship deaths.
Have you ever been caught up in an argument with your significant other that never ends? Then one day you realise its time to end it? Or simply got dumped without prior warning? Well i have experienced that.
Resilient as we may be, nothing shakes us as the words ‘it’s over’, ‘I think we shouldn’t keep doing this’ or ‘i don’t love you anymore’. And many other terms i have not used. Did you ever wonder why the heart feels as if it’s literally hurting? The pain feels real. Doesn’t it? Well take comfort in the knowledge that it’s not a heart attack coming your way, it’s just your brain processing the news too fast hence a need for more oxygen which leads to a faster heart rate. Mmmm i know, it actually might lead to a heart attack! The trick is taking deep breathes. Pace them and count. That way you will calm down. Repeat the exercise as soon as you feel the anxiety coming again. It’s difficult to understand how someone you have had dreams with, shared a life with decides to just up and leave. But this is reality. What you need to know is this is a beginning. But you will get to the end. We tell ourselves they are just angry and will be back. Maybe, maybe not. You are in shock. It will depend on who you are, what your personality is like. I find that when you have good friends, they help you deal with it a little easier. However steer clear of people who’s first impulse will be reminding you about their reservations about that person in the beginning. They make it worse. Tell a good friend. They probably will let you talk and only listen. But that is enough to help you out of the initial shock.
Have you seen people who once happy become stalkers and dark angry demi-gods of the underworld?
After our initial shock of the break up, we get angry. We are angry at the other party and blame them. Sometimes we may even direct our rage at innocent by-standers, blaming them for things both real or imaginary, that they may or may not have done to cause the break up. Do you see the number of variables on that sentence? It simply means, slow down before you burn down the village. Yes, you are angry, yes you do not understand why they couldn’t face the troubles with you, yes you caught them cheating or whatever, yes their or your friends or family may be at fault, but remember, your soul belongs to your body (the vessel of your being). You are broken and miserable, probably even abandoned. But trust me, this is no reason for you to go to your exs ‘ wielding Sinbads dagger. This is no time to tramp on the acceleration every time you see your ex with someone new. Neither is it time to be carrying around cans full of gas with the idea that you will teach someone a lesson. Stop with the acid cans too. NOT COOL! NOT COOL at all. Anger is not easy to deal with. But i find sitting down and thinking about the purpose of life (without including anyone else other than children) helps. Try it. It works. Think about your own dreams. If you include the partner in your thoughts, i assure you we shall be reading about how an enraged lover stubbed their lovers family and hang himself. Deal with it in a sustainable way. Skip, go dancing, jog. Anything, anything but turning into a stalker and possibly serial killer. Friends may be helpful, but careful which friends to talk with. Since this is a bad moment, you need someone who will hold the bag as you punch. Run beside you. Or bring the icecream. :-). You do not however need to be with someone every second (unless you are displaying socialpathical tendencies):-). If friends are not very helpful, you may need to seek professional help.
When we realise that the situation is unravelling fast, we try to bargain. We want to talk it over, promise to change, beg, and sometimes even involve God in the situation. We need to know the reality is that it’s over. No amount of bargaining or negotiating will change. Those problems that couldn’t be sorted then, will not be sorted now. You may be down. This person meant so much to you. None of you has won. Chances are, you may be tempted. Make your bargains without threats. But also know that the more you negotiate the worse the situation may be. If you can help it, make this moment short. You will need your chin up when you finally meet someone new. Do not let someone put you down. Best option is praying for me. Honestly its not the only highway people can pursue, but it is the least embarrassing. If however you have the stomach for it, give it a shot and dare put back your finger in the snake pit.
When the anger dissipates, comes the dying embers of a once burning fire. Unfortunately this sometimes isn’t as mild as it sounds. Depression is a challenge. While most people even recognise they are getting into it, the strength to come up for air is usually as rare as rain in the desert. People suddenly want to lie all day in bed, crying, mopping over what was. Loss is not easy to deal with. But remember you possibly have been saved from a lifetime of misery. Comfort food will only do its job for the moment, but fact remains that your significant other is gone. Hard as it may be, occupy yourself. Get yourself to a gym or find a new hobby. Rather than taking leave from work, stay and work. When you are busy, you are distracted from miserable memories. You are able to tune down the short wave of sadness. Try it, it works.
Finally it’s full circle. We get to the final part. When we accept, we are able to move on. This part comes with new resolves. New terms and conditions. Which usually may be a new defense mechanism for future protection from hurt. Take caution though not to be too protective and miss out on life.
That my friends is what i have come to relate with the death of a relationship and the walk through the process. For some people break-ups are easy and for others really tough. The secret is to know as long as you are breathing you will be fine. I personally handle a break-up as a hard habit to break addiction that i must. So from the day i decide it’s over or i am told it’s over i give myself twenty one days to give up the habit. That includes the first three days completely switching off from communication with this person. When you hack those first three days you know the journey will be easy. If you can’t, take heart, scramble up again and try. Wobble, keep wobbling until you are strong enough to strut, then gallop and run. Yes you can. Yes we can. I do not know about you but i have found myself wobbling, but i finally ran. So can you. If the crying and talking doesn’t help, i suggest you see a grief therapist. Yes i do. Because sometimes we need professional help to deal with loss. Make an appointment if you need to.
When it dies, leave it at the grave, it belongs there.