Try and wobble

People laugh when someone says the death of a relationship can sometimes feel like real death. Believe it or not, it is something we need to deal with in order to live a free and fruitful life. I have been reading about the process of grieving. The death of a loved one or even a relationship can be mind boggling to the best of us. I do not have solutions to this one but i know now what the process is like. I would like to share what i understood pertaining relationship deaths.
Have you ever been caught up in an argument with your significant other that never ends? Then one day you realise its time to end it? Or simply got dumped without prior warning? Well i have experienced that.
DENIAL:
Resilient as we may be, nothing shakes us as the words ‘it’s over’, ‘I think we shouldn’t keep doing this’ or ‘i don’t love you anymore’. And many other terms i have not used. Did you ever wonder why the heart feels as if it’s literally hurting? The pain feels real. Doesn’t it? Well take comfort in the knowledge that it’s not a heart attack coming your way, it’s just your brain processing the news too fast hence a need for more oxygen which leads to a faster heart rate. Mmmm i know, it actually might lead to a heart attack! The trick is taking deep breathes. Pace them and count. That way you will calm down. Repeat the exercise as soon as you feel the anxiety coming again. It’s difficult to understand how someone you have had dreams with, shared a life with decides to just up and leave. But this is reality. What you need to know is this is a beginning. But you will get to the end. We tell ourselves they are just angry and will be back. Maybe, maybe not. You are in shock. It will depend on who you are, what your personality is like. I find that when you have good friends, they help you deal with it a little easier. However steer clear of people who’s first impulse will be reminding you about their reservations about that person in the beginning. They make it worse. Tell a good friend. They probably will let you talk and only listen. But that is enough to help you out of the initial shock.
ANGER
Have you seen people who once happy become stalkers and dark angry demi-gods of the underworld?
After our initial shock of the break up, we get angry. We are angry at the other party and blame them. Sometimes we may even direct our rage at innocent by-standers, blaming them for things both real or imaginary, that they may or may not have done to cause the break up. Do you see the number of variables on that sentence? It simply means, slow down before you burn down the village. Yes, you are angry, yes you do not understand why they couldn’t face the troubles with you, yes you caught them cheating or whatever, yes their or your friends or family may be at fault, but remember, your soul belongs to your body (the vessel of your being). You are broken and miserable, probably even abandoned. But trust me, this is no reason for you to go to your exs ‘ wielding Sinbads dagger. This is no time to tramp on the acceleration every time you see your ex with someone new. Neither is it time to be carrying around cans full of gas with the idea that you will teach someone a lesson. Stop with the acid cans too. NOT COOL! NOT COOL at all. Anger is not easy to deal with. But i find sitting down and thinking about the purpose of life (without including anyone else other than children) helps. Try it. It works. Think about your own dreams. If you include the partner in your thoughts, i assure you we shall be reading about how an enraged lover stubbed their lovers family and hang himself. Deal with it in a sustainable way. Skip, go dancing, jog. Anything, anything but turning into a stalker and possibly serial killer. Friends may be helpful, but careful which friends to talk with. Since this is a bad moment, you need someone who will hold the bag as you punch. Run beside you. Or bring the icecream. :-). You do not however need to be with someone every second (unless you are displaying socialpathical tendencies):-). If friends are not very helpful, you may need to seek professional help.
BARGAINING
When we realise that the situation is unravelling fast, we try to bargain. We want to talk it over, promise to change, beg, and sometimes even involve God in the situation. We need to know the reality is that it’s over. No amount of bargaining or negotiating will change. Those problems that couldn’t be sorted then, will not be sorted now. You may be down. This person meant so much to you. None of you has won. Chances are, you may be tempted. Make your bargains without threats. But also know that the more you negotiate the worse the situation may be. If you can help it, make this moment short. You will need your chin up when you finally meet someone new. Do not let someone put you down. Best option is praying for me. Honestly its not the only highway people can pursue, but it is the least embarrassing. If however you have the stomach for it, give it a shot and dare put back your finger in the snake pit.
DEPRESSION
When the anger dissipates, comes the dying embers of a once burning fire. Unfortunately this sometimes isn’t as mild as it sounds. Depression is a challenge. While most people even recognise they are getting into it, the strength to come up for air is usually as rare as rain in the desert. People suddenly want to lie all day in bed, crying, mopping over what was. Loss is not easy to deal with. But remember you possibly have been saved from a lifetime of misery. Comfort food will only do its job for the moment, but fact remains that your significant other is gone. Hard as it may be, occupy yourself. Get yourself to a gym or find a new hobby. Rather than taking leave from work, stay and work. When you are busy, you are distracted from miserable memories. You are able to tune down the short wave of sadness. Try it, it works.
ACCEPTANCE
Finally it’s full circle. We get to the final part. When we accept, we are able to move on. This part comes with new resolves. New terms and conditions. Which usually may be a new defense mechanism for future protection from hurt. Take caution though not to be too protective and miss out on life.
That my friends is what i have come to relate with the death of a relationship and the walk through the process. For some people break-ups are easy and for others really tough. The secret is to know as long as you are breathing you will be fine. I personally handle a break-up as a hard habit to break addiction that i must. So from the day i decide it’s over or i am told it’s over i give myself twenty one days to give up the habit. That includes the first three days completely switching off from communication with this person. When you hack those first three days you know the journey will be easy. If you can’t, take heart, scramble up again and try. Wobble, keep wobbling until you are strong enough to strut, then gallop and run. Yes you can. Yes we can. I do not know about you but i have found myself wobbling, but i finally ran. So can you. If the crying and talking doesn’t help, i suggest you see a grief therapist. Yes i do. Because sometimes we need professional help to deal with loss. Make an appointment if you need to.
When it dies, leave it at the grave, it belongs there.

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In the eyes of LOVE

I do not know what it is about a woman that makes aging seem like the biggest disaster yet. I will tell you one thing, age is just but a number. Believe it. How young or how old you are depends on how you feel in your heart. There is beauty and wisdom that comes with age. Remember that too.
I just turned thirty five. I am not afraid. I have a sack full of little and large lessons learnt in my little life. Yes I do. Oh yes I consider myself young. :-)It is what it is.
I know you are wondering if my title is in any way related to age.Yes it is.
If you read my post about the audacity of hope you probably would remember a boy named Nash, if you didn’t, I will give you a re-cap. Nash was the boy I thought i’d marry. That was fifteen years ago. You will be surprised how things have changed.
Back then all Nash needed was to be handsome (oh he was) and a smooth talker. Oh how amazing life and experiences can be. Some years later I settled for the bad boys. I wanted someone who could defy almost anyone. Isn’t it amazing how we make stupid decisions because of something called hormones? Ha ha. Baby daddy was that kind of a man. He was defiant to the very bone marrow in his body. He would defy anyone and everyone. Now you see where I am headed. Yes he defied everyone including me. That my dear friends is how I wound up with an eight month baby in my arms staring at the door. :-). Some things we go through we definitely bring to ourselves.
There have been moments of insanity when the man I was seeing had to be over six feet, dark and trim. Now you understand why I am laughing at me. Yes, first attractions matter a lot. But we have trained our minds to like that which doesn’t matter. You wonder why I say this? Assuming I marry that tall, dark, handsome man. Who probably drives the best car in town and has a castle for a home. But has the uncanny habit of getting into every skirt he can. Do you think I would be a happy woman?  Exactly! A while back dating a big man would have been something id have laughed at all day, dating a certain race, religion, height, tribe skin colour. All the things you can imagine, would have been a problem. Now I am a woman, no longer a gal. I no longer see the physical. Do not even lie to yourself that its because I am out of options. No. The kind of man I wanted is still around. But age has come along with sanity and reason.
I am a woman, I won’t notice a man because of his looks, height, voice. All that is superficial. Some day this tall man will grow old, he may loose his teeth, his back may give in. So do you still think his looks will still matter?
I have learned a few things about the eyes of love.
1. Looks fade.
I am not as sexy as I used to be. And with time I will realise that today I am really sexy. If you have met the person who doesn’t spend all their time commenting about how hot you are and actually engages your intellect and other qualities, then you may be in luck. This is a keeper. Keep them. Yes it matters that we look lovely to the people who love us, but we cannot make it the priority in our relationship. Things happen. accidents happen, illness happens, let your soul be his/her priority.
2. Security matters.
Let’s understand each other. By security I am not talking about just financial security. A whole lot. I would like to know that the person I am seeing has a vault which only him and I can be in when trouble comes. I know some people have encountered situations where their significant others families or friends attack them constantly and the partner is just there standing at a corner. If you can’t offer security then really, you shouldn’t be there! There are those of us who also torment our partners with threats whenever there is a problem. That we will up and leave if she/he does or doesn’t do something. Or even with stories about others. Really? If you are going to stay remember there are rules and regulations on how to conduct ourselves, stated or not. When your partner has a vault to protect you, you realise they are worth your love.
3. Together we are strong.
I stand accused. And I am guilty as charged. I must admit I am not very good at supporting my partner. The reason I confess, is because I need to learn and I recognise my fault. At the alter of love I confess I somehow tend to hold what I consider mine as mine. But truth be told we have seen a lot couples who have made it through the challenges and mirk and made it alive. So I am admitting that when people work together for a common goal somehow despite the challenges they make it. The important thing is not to lose the vision. Hold that hand and do not let go. Sometimes one feels like kicking and throwing tantrums. Stop, think, take a time out then talk about it.
4. I come with the package
Single parents know what I am saying. There is no way one can proclaim love for one and leave their children. That simple. Being a single parent, I have realised that I get much more attracted to a man who cares for Lilman and I. This obviously quickly helps weed out the chaff from the wheat.:-). If I am going to spend time and maybe my life with someone, that person is better off knowing the little man is part of me. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like your kids, I am sorry but truth be told, you are in trouble. Your significant other should never put you in a situation where you will feel guilty about having your children. Best thing you can do for the two of you is break it off. I know I sound cold, but this is reality.
5. Lets talk about sex
Don’t hate on me. It is fact people cheat and break up over sex. So talk about it. Say what your fears are, your likes, things you would do or not do. That way you will both be psychologically prepared to deal with it when it happens. And by talk about it I do not mean go ahead and seduce each other. Discuss it. People have a wide range of thoughts on the subject. Hiding and pretending it’s a none issue in a relationship is never a wise idea. Agree and negotiate about it. Just like you budget for things you need to do. Its an integral part of most relationships.
6.Love me as I have loved you.
Let love be for love. As time goes by you will realise that when one has love, its usually a bigger achievement and success than what outsiders see. We may think how someone made it rich and all they see is their partner standing by and loving them. So when you start out remember its not about what the other person has, its what they are.
7.Life is life
Let’s be true to ourselves. There’s nothing better than love. But should it not work out, try and keep the dignity of each other. Be civil and agree how to deal with it. Whether to move on or work on it. I personally recommend trying to work it out. After all it was love that brought the both of you together.
In conclusion, age has brought wisdom. The pointers up there clearly tell you that I, indeed have come of age. From dating men I considered demi gods to going for the guy next door. That guy who avoids trouble, not because he can’t get into it but because reason won’t let him. That guy who will use public means of transport because he feels he does not need to impress.
In my eyes of love I see a lot. Beyond the looks, beyond the macho attitude. I see a soul that genuinely cares for me. I am proudly a grown woman and I have no apologies to make.
What has age brought with it in your life?

Buyer beware!

You would think that the choice to be a single parent is easy. Maybe to a few people. Not to me. I am a single mum yes, and I have to confess it’s no laughing matter. Just being a parent is hard, add single to it and that is recipe for nightmares and horrors. I didn’t choose to be a single parent, I found myself with a baby in my arms and with the feeling that I would wake up soon. Well, you guessed right, I soon realised it wasn’t a dream so I embraced myself.
Four years down the line I have this feeling I am still in the set position waiting to be the perfect parent. I could laugh at the thought. There’s however one hitch to this, people we are not in a comedy. Real life is both exhilarating and sometimes scary.
I have mentioned the situations I’ve found myself in trouble because of the little boy. That was about one and a half years ago. You would think age brings reason. Well if this is your thought, ha ha I have to laugh. Lilman has since uped his game.
I do not know how many times I’ve opened the door to a multitude of kids coming to report to me what Lilman has done. But do not get me wrong its not all gloom. There are moments of immeasurable joy and laughter. Moments that I just want to shout out to the world, “look, I am not so bad after all”. There are some situations that have baffled me though. Situations I just cannot seem to run away from. Namely;
MUM WHY DO WE NOT HAVE A DADDY?
Well my friends this is the father of all difficult questions. The problem is answering it leads to more questions. Refusing to answer it is totally stupid. So I went with answering. I told him it’s because daddy and mummy no longer love each other. That question instantly brought forth another one.
DOESN’T DADDY LOVE ME?
Suddenly my heart started bleeding. In my little world this question was never ever supposed to come up. But given I had already decided to bite the nail I had to walk the talk. This conversation, had to be had. Running off or cowering was not going to be the solution. So there I was thinking what to say. I said “baby daddy still loves you very much. He is working hard to ensure you get a good education.” That was a blatant lie. But had it been you would you have been honest enough to say, “I do not know where he is and truthfully I do not care?” Would you? Love is not always about hard fact. There’s a time for truth and a time for lies. I am sorry that this was not a very good answer but honestly I couldn’t come up with a better one with the limited time I had. But I quickly learned that I had just opened pandoras box as the questions started flowing like a river from the mountain tops.
IF DADDY IS NOT WITH US THEN WHY DO YOU NOT LIKE ME TO SLEEP IN YOUR BED?
Ha ha ha. This question floored me. Lilman being who he is had to find a loophole that would allow him to take advantage of a situation he could clearly read my responses and understood well that, ‘daddy’ didn’t stand a chance in frozen hell of sleeping in mummys bed. So he quickly pointed that mums bed was too large and she needs someone to fight off the monsters and bite off the robbers because she’s a girl. So, could I please allow him back into my bed? I did not want to break his poor little heart. Given he was already on edge about where daddy went. I was gentle and encouraging. I assured him that boys his age are already men just that they are short. And men do not sleep in their mummys beds. That answer was pleasant enough to his ear. He felt strong and capable and agreed to continue sleeping in his bed.
For a moment all the questions brought tears to my eyes. I felt inadequate and incapable. The questioning continued for a while. Somehow I got a good enough answer for the avalanche of questions that came my way. Being a parent is not easy, being a single parent is harder. Every single day I hear people say children are easy beings to deal with. That all they need is love. Yes they need love. But that’s not all. They need a lot more. They need comfort and assurance. They need to be cheered on and disciplined. This is a very delicate procedure. I take every day as it comes. Laughing hard when I need to, trying to be both parents when need arises. Sometimes slapping my wrist when i feel the need to over compensate. It’s true when my baby came no one told me BUYER BEWARE. However for the joys motherhood brings, for the laughter, sheer amazement at their little and big achievements I will do it. I can and will be victorious.
Are you a single parent? What are your highs and lows? What has surprised you about your children? What has surprised you? Do you like being a single parent?
I have a feeling I am not the only baffled parent. 🙂

Walking with my head bowed

Hey there, remember me? I’m back! Yippie! Wait a minute. I am sure I’m the only person cheering for myself. Anyhow, I am going to cheer myself knowing fully well it was my fault. My fault that possibly anyone who ever read my thoughts wrote me off for dead. Tiny little wicked smile there. Well, if you thought me gone, sorry to disappoint, I am still alive and well my people. But I walk the long walk o

f shame.
Today I bow my head in shame, for not staying true to myself. At the confession box of my page I wish to cleanse my soul once again.
It has been a whole year and three months of silence. This is the true definition of a broken relationship. You see, when I write I am able to purge my soul of the pressures of life. Now you can imagine what a year has done. I feel like a con artist who has been discovered by the mark.
Last time I put my thoughts here, I was busy making new years resolutions. Ha! Need I say I failed all them? Obviously not, given I had promised to put my thoughts down once every week. This is hilarious even to me. Seeing I am now at the confessional once again saying I have been bad.
You will be surprised that nothing out of the ordinary has kept me away from my page. I haven’t been ill, I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been raising children, I’ve just been experiencing life. And I must admit it’s been pretty interesting.
Lilman is still growing. I haven’t changed my thoughts about calling nanny nine one one. With age I’ve discovered they only get more scary. His games are unbearable to watch, his questions sometimes too complex to answer, his thoughts too fast to follow. Well, I am a mum and proudly so. On this one matter, my chin is still up.
I took time to discover myself too. And this one year has taught me a few new lessons. And the most important one, is faith keeps us grounded. My train did at one point threaten to derail, but happily I discovered I can and I choose to control it.
I am the same girl. The one who could laugh at a funeral- I do not mean to be offensive, it just is.
Well, I am back. With my head bowed and having chastised myself severely enough to last me the next couple of months. I do not promise not to up and leave again. I have discovered other than for my baby and my life, I am able to pretty much forget anything else. So I will not lie to you my friends. I will however promise to be as open with my thoughts as I was before I broke up my engagement last time. I broke my promise and I am aware I need to atone for my sin.
This my dear friends is my way of apologizing for keeping off my page for so long. Its an apology to you my reader and to myself. On that note, this late night confession must end. See you on my next post.:-) Hopefully I will have fully awakened to the fact that I had an open diary that often made me smile.