So i’m here taking stock of life so far. And i must admit that President Obama got it right when he wrote The Audacity of Hope.
I know most of us have been to that point when we wonder just where life might be leading us. And you find yourself wondering when life decides to give you a mighty shove towards an unblinking end what to do? I have been down that dark dark road. But geuss what? Hope just wouldn’t let me cry for too long. Because it’s quite obvious that hope walks hand in hand with hopelessness. And when one get at the crossroads we have the choice to crawl up the shakey path that is our shrivelling, dying dreams or just spiral to the end. So i find myself on the shakey path. You see the other path is way worse. That’s the path that finds us becoming alcoholics, clinically depressed, homeless and sometimes conteplating suicide. I can imagine myself somewhere, high as a kite, crying my eyes out thinking about how brilliant the light will be when I cross the brdge…… Damn!!!!!!!!! There is no way i am going to welcome Mr Grim Reaper into my life just like that.
My greatest heartbreak was when Liz ( my beautiful and brilliant mum) decided to say hello to Grim. Over ten years ago. Funny i can even make a joke of it now. Because that was the ultimate heartbreak. The epitome of misery for me. You see i was a little girl, the first born of a family of a single parent……….. Yes that one who had just died. I was jobless, so was my brother and sister. You tell me how that was not misery? Naturally friends came over to comfort us, but they left soon after. Family tried, but they left too. My step Daddy (God bless him) tried the best he could, but he too was overwhelmed with his own issues. So you see when i tell you it was a difficult time for us, it was. I remember it like it was yesterday. The bitterness, helplessness and endless questions. And finally giving up on God and Prayer.
I grew up a very staunch catholic girl, went to missionary schools, bla bla bla bla……………… So you see, you cannot tell me anything about faith in God that i haven’t learnt. I did. I knew alot. But there are challenges in life that come and shake the whole of you. Leaving nothing to chance. With time i have come to realise that either God loves me more than i can ever imagine(if you like to think it that way) or i am very cowardly. Why cowardly you ask? Because i thought about suicide – A LOT. But never garnered the courage to do it. Thank You Lord. I wonder who would have brought a beautiful baby like Lilman into the world if his future mama had offed herself? Mighty shame. Anyway, as all this was going on, my dear mums friends would try counsel us. I remember one telling me, “Don worry Jean, ten years from today you will talk about your mother and smile.” I remember how shocked i was. I wondered alot if she had lost her mind too. She said, “This will pass.” And i wondered just how much weed she had smoked in her previous past. It has been ten years. My mothers memory is still burning in my mind. I remember her laughter, i remember how funny she was, i remember talking with her till dawn. I remember everything about her. You see she was my bestfriend, my confidant, she was my god on earth. Sometimes when i am in trouble i think of her. I miss her. But do i cry when i think of her anymore? No i do not. I remember her fondly. You see, while her friends were trying to comfort us and telling us how one day things would get better, i held on to that promise. I have never figured out who i was going to question in case things had never looked up. I did not know if it was God or her friends, but i knew someone had made me a promise and i was going to hold on to it. When i talk about my Late mum, i smile, i laugh sometimes, because i held on to that promise that one day i would laugh and smile at her memory. Those of you who have read my other posts possibly have seen her mentioned more than once. Thank God for the hope that i got when someone said one day i would stop crying over my mums death. I lost a best friend, but i have learnt so many lessons along the way. And the greatest is:
The death of a loved one should not be our death. We all have our lifes to lead and our deaths to die.
My second greatest heartbreak is the first time i was cheated on. (It is also the only time i knew someone was cheating on me). Fancy that. Well that was years before my mum passed on. It was a heartbreak from hell because i was in love with this boy (i was only nineteen). And by in love i mean totally in love. Possibly i would have jumped infront of a bullet for him. So i go home and my mum tells me, “Young lady, i think you need to think a little more carefully about what you want out of your relationship with Nash.”(that was his name)I asked why she was suggesting i breakup with someone i intended to marry. She told me that on several occassions she had met with him hand in hand with different girls. Before i went back to college that weekend i made sure that what mum was saying was true. And i did burst him. In a most heartbreaking way for a nineteen year old who was all starry eyed for this guy. I came back to school and struggled for close to a year with that heartbreak. I know you are wondering why i would care to rank a total teenage crush up on top of my list of heartbreaks. Right? Its me telling the story so be patient. Two years after the breakup we met up again and he asked if we could work things out. Dont panic, i never considered it becuase suddenely i realised just how much i hated what he had done to my heart. But that still does not warrant a high place. On the third year of our breakup i ran into his friend and I asked him how his pal was. And he asked me if i hadn’t heard the bad news. I asked him what news? And he told me Nash had died two weeks earlier. No i did not shed a tear. I asked his friend where his grave was so I could dance. No i am not a freak. That is the reason why it is the second greatest heartbreak. The realisation that he hurt me to an extent that when he died I partied, means that guy did what no other man will ever do. He hurt me beyond understanding. You may want to reproach me. Don’t because what the heart wants it gets. Have i since forgiven him? What use is it to forgive a corpse? Would i say the same thing? If it hurt the same way, probably. Am i sorry about what i said? No. If he had asked for forgiveness then would i have forgivn him? No. And had it been today would i have forgiven him? Yes.
You see, i have since grown up. If i had known that i would meet other guys in my future and enjoy being with them much more than i did my time with him, i would have let it go. And now I know never to lose hope for the best………. Because the best is still coming. The second greatest lesson is:
What we find beautiful, admirable and attractive today may one day be trash.
The third and most recent greatest heartbreak is splitting up with my bestfriend of close to twenty years……..This unfortunately i am not able to talk about in detail because every time i think about it i still feel betrayed, trumpled on and disrespected. Now i recognise the fact that there maybe issues that were never raised between us as we were tiffling. Do i believe that it is completely over? I don’t know. This is not an issue i can think about without getting angry, frustrated and hurt. I miss her a whole lot though. Because she was closer to me than my sister. But we both are a proud lot so maybe we shall never be friends again. Wow too bad. So what have I been up to since the break up? I have met and made other friends. Teddy, has since been a fast and very close friend. I enjoy the fact that he does not judge. Doesn’t anger easily. I hope i get to see him for a lifetime because he is a good friend. Now i do not know if i should mention Baby Elephant. The reason i called him that is because he calls himself that and seems to enjoy it. Why does he call himself that? i have no idea. Maybe co he has a good memory, maybe cos he is as sweet as one. Ask him should you see him cos he seems to have fallen off the face of the earth. Mmmmm let me see what name would suit BE…….. What’s the name of that character in Game of Thrones who acts as…… mmmmmmmmm the Khal…… BE is the Khal to me. Is his name Drogo? Yes i think. Hard to understand, hard to like immediately, but the moment you get to know him, you find your heart smiling whenever he is around. So BE, i am gonna call you Khal Drogo, because you are a real Khal. Hard to understand, but super smart and dorting too. Don’t be upset i called you BE. (Si unajiitanga hivyo. Did you want me to use your real name? heheheheheh).Thank you guys for; Teddy encouraging me to put my thoughts on paper or in this case on the net, Khal Drogo for reading my posts and asking me to share what i smoke because you enjoy my posts a mighy deal, Iskender for telling me to take a long look at what i want to do with my endless words. And my latest addition P, who says he wants to request me to write something in his honour. Waiting P. And many other nice people i can’t mention here. Lesson number three:
There are those who are with us a for just season, for a reason and a lifetime.
Life has a way of throwing nasty surprises at us. But what we can do is know that none of it is here to last. Have hope for a happier tomorrow. Know that the most unfortunate man is he who is lying dead. All of us have something no-one can take away from us – a will. That will helps us to decide if to give up or not. I know i still have a long way to go. I am willing to tough it up all the way. I know for sure when things look bad i will be holding on to hope because “He who has hope never dies.”
For those of you my readers who may be going through a hard time….. BE EASY, THIS TOO WILL PASS. Believe me, because i know.